Blame...
Oof- that's a tough one! 
 
I recently realized I was blaming someone for my lack of inner peace. I knew I was giving my power away, but I hadn’t seen how much blame was tangled up in it—until I was talking it through with a girlfriend. Sometimes our negative behaviors aren’t obvious to us- it takes someone else to help shine a light. 

My blaming was problematic for a couple reasons, the biggest being that no one outside of us controls our experience of life. Nobody is doing anything to you, it's all your reaction, and I was reacting with self-pity and victim.
 
Is that pretty to look at? Not at all. But it’s often those very truths that open the door to real freedom—if we’re willing to be honest about them.
 
If we don’t face them, they live in our shadow and from there, they can do tremendous harm. Not to mention as I said above, completely eradicate our inner peace. 
 
As I said, I knew I was giving my power away, but no matter how many times I took my power back, it wasn't shifting the issue. Same with forgiveness—which, as you all know, I’m a huge proponent of.
 
The only thing that finally released the issue, was acknowledging the part of me that was getting off on blaming. That was getting to feel righteous from my blame, making them wrong and me right. 
 
Once I really sat with that and could own it, then I could finally take my power back and forgive. But not until I called out that negative payoff. 
 
You may have heard negative payoffs referred to as ‘secondary gains’—meaning, what do you subconsciously gain by staying in a negative situation?

This is a deep subject but for now, start observing if there's a negative pay off in a situation that you're unable to shift. Is there a part of you that wants to blame or go into self-pity or feel martyred? Is there a part of you that is happy that you get to rage against something or someone? Is there a part of you that gets to amplify a shame story you have? 
 
Again, not pretty, but necessary. 
 
And notice if there's a part of you that starts to argue right now. If there's a part of you that says that you don't love your rage or shame etc., but that it's necessary. That’s your negative ego acting up. It wants to keep you stuck in a negative emotional cycle with no resolution.
 
It's necessary to bring the negative payoffs to the light because when you can call them out, they no longer have power over you.
 
Here's my challenge to you- write me back and call out a negative payoff that you discover. Why? Because when you can not only own it, but say it to someone else, it takes away its power even more. It releases the part of you that wants to go into shame that something's wrong with you if you're not perfect. But none of us are perfect, we're human. That's part of the journey. 
 
I can own that self-pity has been a trap in my life, and the more I’m aware of and catch it, the less it runs the show. So, call it out, give it voice, and allow it to be released.
 
Because on the other side of it? Is beautiful freedom and the return of your power.
 

I saw an article recently that was titled, “How to Wake Up at 5 AM.” It was about how to be extra productive in your day. And my first thought was, “Why would I want to do that?”
 
What about taking it easy in the mornings and giving yourself time to gently start your day? Or on a weekend when you have time to leisurely move about?

We so value go, go, go to the point of burnout. Where your very worth is based on how much you accomplish. 
 
I talk about this a lot because it's an old paradigm and I find there's such value in slowing down, in looking at nature, and connecting to what's in front of you, versus where you have to do something. Slowing down and being in the moment is the whole basis of mindfulness. It’s the state in which one can be receptive to life.

In order to shift into a more balanced way of being, which is part of the bigger picture shift of this new age, start with noticing where you value being busy. And I'm not talking about when you're actually really busy, because life happens and sometimes things are crazy.

​I'm talking about where you intentionally create busy when there doesn't need to be. Where you intentionally glorify how busy you are and have judgment over being lazy if you didn't accomplish XYZ that day. That's the imbalance.
 
Personally, I like to disconnect from my phone as much as possible and especially on the weekends, have quiet, leisurely mornings. If I can clear my calendar for a full day, that makes me extremely happy! To sit and read or just be in the flow of what happens – that's my place of joy. 
 
I've talked to some of you, and I know that stirs up guilt or anxiety when I say that. The message of being lazy is so ingrained, that sitting still feels like you're doing something wrong.
 
This is part of why it's difficult for some people to ground themselves- because they're so used to their bodies and minds moving a mile a minute, that slowing down feels disconcerting. 
 
And yet, that's where the healing takes place. 
 
If you're always going, going, going, you might burn your body out, your mind may be mired in worries, and your emotions amplified. You won't hear those subtle whispered messages from your Soul. 
 
Obviously you don't have to do it the way I do, especially if you've got kids. However, can you become aware throughout your day of giving yourself more time to step away and just breathe for a couple minutes? Where if you have a gap in your calendar, you don't fill it immediately? Where you allow yourself to daydream or doodle? 
 
Can you find little ways to bring more balance? Because when you do, that’s where you find peace, creativity, and the wisdom of your Soul.


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