Today I want to give voice to a very specific pain, the pain of miscarriage and infertility. I think it’s important to give voice to this pain because there is still such shame and stigma around it. I’m here to speak my story to help lift that.
If all had gone according to our plan, yesterday we would have celebrated a 4 year old’s birthday.
I will never forget the first time I became pregnant. I was on my way to a healing workshop and while in the car, this presence came into my body. It was pure love itself. I still do not have words for the expansiveness of love that I felt. I recognized rather quickly what had happened. That was the first time that I met my little guy and I loved having him in my space. It was a remembrance from lifetimes and filled me with elation and joy. I was so excited.
Unfortunately, the day before my period was to come, he left. He was suddenly no longer in my space, and I was very confused because he had been so clear and so present. I didn’t understand what happened, it made no sense, and it was incredibly traumatizing. Wasn’t getting, and staying pregnant, supposed to be easy? Since I felt such grief over the loss, I decided that to help, I would do everything that I was supposed to: fertility acupuncture, take herbs, have sex in the correct window- do everything perfectly because he’s mine and he is supposed to come in.
He came in three more times briefly that year, each time he left, the loss becoming more difficult to bear. But the third time, he stayed for eight weeks; and that was the most extraordinary eight weeks. Every day was an infusion of love and light that was palpable to both my husband, and myself.
On Halloween, 2013, we went in for our 8 week ultrasound, and when the nurse put the ultrasound machine on my stomach, everything moved in slow motion; there was no sound coming from the machine, as much as she kept moving it around, and we then watched in horror as she leapt up hurriedly, saying she needed to go get the doctor.
There are no words to describe the pain of when the doctor came in solemn faced. I saw her lips moving, but couldn’t wrap my head around her words; “lost”… “at your age”… what? The shock comes first: the numb, the disbelief. Slowly going through the motions while feeling incredible shame and failure. “What’s wrong with me? Why isn’t my body working? What does this mean about me as a woman? I did everything perfectly.”
Shame, silent shame.
Compound that with the hellish experience of going in the next day for a D&C, a grueling trauma of physical assault to coincide with the emotional and spiritual one that was already occurring in my mind, in which they remove what we most wanted. I went dark. I was in unbearable pain. It made no sense and it felt so cruel; a dashing of our hopes and dreams. I wanted to know why, but that why never came. I felt abandoned, lost, and so very alone and ashamed.
I was angry at everyone and stopped going on social media because seeing pregnant women or happy families was too much for me. I would sob and sob. It was all so unfair. I was especially angry at the Universe. How could they be so cruel? Why would they take away what I wanted? Was I being punished?
It took many, many months of healing, processing, and grieving. I needed to be dark for a while. We eventually chose to try again because I still had faith, and I wanted desperately for my dream of motherhood to come to fruition. I always wanted children, and I always assumed it would happen.
One year later, we agreed to try IVF to help the process along, going in with full expectations of success, (because, how could it not succeed?), while also knowing that this was our last shot. We did all the tests, all the numbers were great- awesome! This would succeed for sure.
After a disappointing first round, the second round brought with it a successful fertilization. We were over the moon! Finally, our little guy would arrive.
A few days before Christmas, we got the devastating news that the embryo didn’t survive and wouldn’t be implanted the next day as was planned. I went so dark that I couldn’t speak. I got incredibly ill. To add insult to injury, just as I was speaking again, I got pregnant on my own in Jan 2015; we weren’t even trying. Since he didn’t come in, I knew it would end. It felt like a sick joke. We weren’t even trying! That messed with my mind in unbearable ways. The pain was extraordinary. I did serious damage to my body from the amount of rage coursing through it. I was very inconsolable for a very long time. I went dark, dark for months and months. “WTF just happened?! How could this not manifest? What about all the signs I received? I did everything right! What is wrong with me?? I am a healer! If I can’t fix me, what good am I to anyone else? What kind of a woman can’t have a baby?!” and so on, and so on.
It took me a year of deep grieving and bouts of terrible darkness and depression. But I let myself go there fully, because I couldn’t not. I had to dive bomb completely and allow the rage and grief etc. if I was ever to heal.
Year two was easier, but with unexpected moments of grief, especially if I heard about someone being pregnant. I let myself sob and grieve as needed, venting my rage, never judging it, so I could eventually get to peace and happiness for the other person. As I tell my clients, grief comes in waves, and you have to be gentle with yourself, and I was.
I will eventually detail the process of healing I went through to help others find peace, but for now, I will say that my love of children was what pulled me through. I never wanted to be someone others tiptoed around. I wanted to be the best auntie I could be to the children in my life. And during that first year, I learned how to mother and nurture myself, in ways I had always done for others, but not myself.
I have a bit of an understanding as to why it maybe happened the way it did, but I’ll never know for sure, and I have had to make peace with that. It’s been a process but I am finally in a really good place.
At some point, I will share what never to say to a woman who has been through this, but for now, if you know someone going through infertility or who has had a miscarriage, simply say, “I’m sorry.” Period. Please don’t offer solutions or platitudes, just be there for her. You can even ask, “how can I best support you right now” as one friend said to me. That was beautiful, even if there wasn’t an answer. And don’t forget the husband, they need support too.
I know some women have had it worse than I did, but I can only speak from my experience and share myself. Comparisons only increase the pain and separation that is already present, and my goal is to reach those who have been through this and say, “you’re not alone.”
I have made my peace, even though it didn’t work out the way I had “planned,” and I hope to help others do the same.
My husband and I now have a goal to build schools in various countries to help children get an incredible education. We are both extremely passionate about this and can’t wait to make it a reality. Making beautiful lemonade out of lemons, and in so, giving back and helping children.
I will always love and champion children. And I will be the best momma to those who cross my path. I have a lot of love and nurturing to share, and I plan on continuing to live a life of love and joy to change the world. It starts with me.
I am a romantic, I always have been. I believe in fairy tales and happily ever after. I believe in the power of love to transform and heal. I believe that when love is involved, miracles can occur. So it should be no surprise that I watched the Royal Wedding Saturday. I did so with joy, and in celebration, because what better to lift the resonance in the world, then love?
I found the Reverend Michael Curry’s speech to be so profound, and a further reminder to what I made mention of last week. He said, “There's power in love. Don't underestimate it.” He goes on to detail all the ways the world can change “when love is the way,” ultimately culminating with it bringing forth “a new earth, a new world.” And isn’t that what we want? When we grow spiritually, when we find our way out of our old patterns, when we ask for healing, when we search for more meaning, we are asking for more love in our lives. I’m not talking romantic love, I’m talking about the pure energy of love itself. Love can pierce the illusion of darkness we find ourselves in sometimes. It is a way out of the pain, fear, and separation we feel at times.
As I said last week, “love, bigger and bolder then you ever have.” So what does that mean exactly? How do you “put your love into action” as I called you to do?
First, take a moment and think about someone or something that you love. Even if you cannot think of a single person who elicits a love reaction in you, center yourself and think about something that moves you: a sunset, being in nature, animals, and connect to that feeling you get when thinking about this. The heart opening, an elevated feeling; that’s love. It doesn’t have to look like fireworks and an angelic choir; it can be soft and quiet. It’s a feeling that takes you outside of yourself and into something more. Now sit with that feeling for a moment. Let it lift you. Feel how good it feels. From there, move forward in your visualizing, in your creating, in your prayers, in how you move through your day. Let love be the platform from which you leap.
Maybe your heart has been broken so many times this scares you. What if love lets you down again? Well, what if it doesn’t? What if you connect to the energy of love itself vs. the expression that came through someone who might’ve been wounded. People can distort what love is, but recognize that when it is a distortion, it’s not really love. It may have been called love, but it’s not. Be willing to open your heart, even a little bit, as scary as that might feel, and connect to a love greater then what you’ve seen. Just be willing to find love in even the tiniest acts of compassion or goodwill.
Even if you are open already, you can always be willing to allow more love in your life. Every little thing you do can be infused with love, if you let it.
This most importantly pertains to self-love. How can you love yourself more this week? Just explore that. Maybe, instead of getting mad at yourself for xyz, you love yourself instead. How much better will the world, and your world be, when love is more present, more visible, more active.
As I said last week, when you align yourself with love, miracles can occur. Allow yourself more love.
Some of you know that I adore my husband; I’m not shy in owning that. It took me 40 years to meet him and wow did I create a perfect man, but that’s another story! So earlier last year, we found out my husband’s name was being submitted for an Emmy for Score Mixing for Season 3 of “Mozart in the Jungle.” We were ecstatic. I immediately began visualizing texting everyone saying, “He won!!!”
Well the day of the Emmy nominations, his show was announced but they omitted his name. Now, I’m pretty fiery as you know, and I immediately went to anger- “this is an injustice! WTF!” etc., etc. I vented, I railed, I worked that anger until it was spent. I did all of the techniques that I teach you all. Once I worked through that, I calmed myself down and started focusing on the oversight being corrected. I put all of my attention into visualizing that correction, with absolute conviction that it would happen.
Sure enough, the next day, he got word from his co-nominee that it was being reviewed by the Academy. During that time of review, I held fast to my faith in my husband and his deserving of the award. And I forgave everything I could think of; why I allowed a reality of injustice, what in me had issues with visibility, etc. A few days later, we got the word that yes indeed, he was officially nominated.
Now it was time for the big work. Everyday for months I visualized sending those texts, while seeing him onstage. It was a super powerful image for me and I put all of my energy into that. I knew exactly who would receive those texts and I refused to allow any reality except that one.
Neither fear, nor negative ego, were allowed a voice, ever. I would not give them space in my creation. I owned my power and the truth that I create my reality and I would only allow positive support. I wouldn’t give my power away to anyone who was jealous or who was unsupportive, nor would I entertain fears of them. I visualized moving anyone like that out of the way and focused on my end goal. Only supportive people, and unseen helpers allowed.
Most importantly, I focused on my love for my husband everyday before visualizing. Love can move mountains and I wanted to put my love into action. So while visualizing those texts, I felt the love, I felt the joy, I felt the bliss. I owned out loud what I wanted and I refused any contradictory thoughts.
Right before Labor Day, we got word that the Emmys would be Sept 10th, our Anniversary. That to me was confirmation of the love I’d been putting out there around this event.
The night of the Creative Arts Emmys, I’ve got to own that I was nervous. Sitting in that auditorium, for the first time, I had doubts. I didn’t judge them though, I let them speak for a few minutes and then a small voice said, “trust,” and I let go and trusted. I went right back to what I did want and felt that joy. About 15 min later, he won an Emmy, and I got to send those texts and scream for joy.
The key components illustrated by this story and how to really empower your manifestations are:
As a P.S.: I do need to specify that my husband was in complete agreement to co-creating this success with me and was doing his own work simultaneously. I was coming at it from what I wanted in my reality, not forcing a reality on him. I wanted that experience, as did he, which made it more powerful because we were aligned. You cannot force your vision on anyone else, nor can you do the work for them. Use these tools for yourself first and foremost.
We were out to dinner last night and sat next to a Dad out with his daughters, and instead of it looking like a lovely evening out, he got on his phone and scrolled through his FB feed instead of connecting and actually speaking to his children. His teenage daughter soon followed, which left a maybe 12-year-old girl trying to talk to them both and wanting to tell stories, eventually giving up and taking out her phone as well.
We both found this to be so sad and yet a normal state of affairs right now. How often do you bypass connection and intimacy to escape into your phone? Is getting likes and posting about your life more important then actually living it? Do you speak to your loved ones and engage with them, or can you not wait to disconnect and ignore?
Once again, my theme is presence and being in your reality vs escaping it. The more we escape and disconnect from others, the more we lose our humanity and our compassion.
As an experiment, the next time you go into a store, notice the cashier. Look them in the eyes. Ask them about their day. Connect. Now if that thought gives you anxiety, that is a tell that you prefer to hide or escape. Has it become easier to relinquish your impact and move through your day with no thought to others? Your every move, your actions, and your words have impact. You can pretend they don’t, but they do. By acknowledging another, you acknowledge your connection to life. You are part of the whole, we are all connected. You can try to deny this fact but it won’t make it go away.
Try putting out what you would like back: to be seen, to be acknowledged, to be treated with courtesy. If someone is rude or ignores you, that’s their reality, and not reflective of yours. Don’t let that stop you. They may also be hiding or in pain etc. It’s not for you to judge, but to simply be the change and bring back awareness and connection
You can choose to ignore this, or you can choose to see through the eyes of compassion by connecting. The world is a much better place when you choose to engage fully.
I have spoken about the importance of grounding before, but I wanted to give more insight into the first chakra to explain why that is so necessary.
The first chakra, which is red, is located at the base of the spine and deals with issues related to safety, security, and belonging. Some people have never fully anchored into this chakra from stored trauma in the body and not wanting to be fully present. The problem is, in order to really manifest what you want in your reality, you need to be grounded in. If all of your ideas and desires are just floating around, they can’t be actualized. They need to be anchored to the earth, which means you need to be anchored into your body.
Same with issues around safety and security. In order to truly feel safe, you need to be in your body, otherwise anxiety can arise. If you are ever feeling especially anxious, put your attention on your first chakra.
An imbalanced first chakra brings with it issues relating to lower back pain, autoimmune diseases, constipation, chronic fatigue, being scattered, depressed, and living in financial struggle.
A very simple way to begin to activate and open up this chakra, is to put your attention on it every day and see beautiful red light filling all the layers of that chakra. Don’t get hung up on seeing the different layers or worried about whether they’re filled or not, just put your attention on your base of spine, and breathe in red light. Lazaris says each chakra has 12 layers, so you could count to 12, very slowly, allowing that red to come in and fill and activate that chakra.
When you first start doing this, you may not feel like anything is there. You may feel like the energy is constricted, or just empty. Simply notice that and continue to focus on bringing in red light. If you don’t visualize colors well, do not stress, simply put your attention on that area. Do this for a few moments and then fill that chakra with white light.
Throughout your day, bring your attention back to the base of your spine. Notice if you are present or floating. Are you in the moment or are you checking out? Are you truly sitting in your reality or are you off in lala land? Just be aware and allow yourself to be willing to anchor in so that that energy center can open more and more, helping you to manifest a reality of incredible safety, security, and financial abundance.
Me, just sharing ways to make you the best you can be!