There’s been a theme lately of many of you staying in relationships past their expiration date. And there’s been a lot of judgment and self-recrimination for that. But ultimately, what needs to happen is compassion and forgiveness. Because even if we know a relationship is not working, it’s not always easy to extricate from it immediately. Sometimes we need to work through layers. And that takes time.
This applies to everything in your life. Sometimes we know early on that something isn’t right, yet we keep trying to make it happen or force it to fit.
With relationships, ultimately you can’t force another to be who you want them to be; you have to take them at face value and honor who the person is and what their path is. It may be different than what you want for them, but it’s not up to you. That’s a hard lesson as some of you have been expressing.
I know a few of you are really struggling with the potential of your partners, and I can say with absolute certainty, that you can never live for somebody’s potential. I made that mistake and stayed in a relationship for a decade and all it did was create rage over time.
Some people never manifest their potential, as hard as that is to accept and acknowledge. Just because you see it, doesn’t mean they can live it. Plus, it becomes a bit arrogant to think that you know better what they need than they do. That can turn into control. As we’ve talked about recently, you cannot control another. Well you can, but that’s not love.
Along with this, there have been many discussions in which a lot of you are being overly responsible for your partners or children. They have to create their path; you are not responsible for them or what they do. They have to be able to process their own pain, their own mistakes, and their own experiences. You are doing them a disservice if you try to fix it or make it better for them. All that will do is delay their growth as a soul.
I know you want the best for those you love, but it becomes codependence if you try to do it for them or if you are reliant on their changing and growing. You cannot help others at the expense of yourself. You do you to the best of your abilities, and trust that they are doing them the way they need to.
You may be in completely different classrooms this lifetime so you cannot expect that they will be learning the same lessons at the same pace or way that you do. As I say in sessions, to further that analogy, maybe your soul came in to learn advanced algebra and their soul came in to learn beginning geography. You cannot get mad at them that they do not understand the equations you’re showing them, because you are literally speaking a different language than what they are here to learn. You either need to accept them for who they are and where they are, or let them go. Do not try to make them into something they are not. That’s not fair to them.
Here are the signs of codependency*, if you see yourself in them, then it’s time to do your personal work to overcome this and reclaim yourself:
I overcame this and I know you can too. The key is to be honest with yourself and be willing to do the necessary work. None of us came in to do it alone, and relationships offer our greatest lessons. Be as conscious as you can, forgive yourself when you falter, and move forward empowered. You can do this.
*Lancer, 2016; Mental Health America
Like the tides of an ocean, life ebbs and flows. Sometimes everything is moving forward, flowing effortlessly, you’re getting things done, and feeling great. And then an ebb appears, maybe business slows down and the calls aren’t coming in, and you think, “Omg, what happened? What went wrong?” Before you launch into full-blown panic mode, take a deep breath, and follow these guidelines…
1- Trust. Life will always ebb and flow. Think of the tides, if they flowed all the time, there would be floods. It’s necessary to have that ebb time. If you go into panic, you set yourself up for a very rough time. Start with trust, trusting that everything is working out in your highest and best good and when the time is right, things will flow again. When you stay in the energy of trust, you are open to the guidance that is always available to you. Your negative ego would love for you to go into fear and doubt but all that’ll do is make the ebb that much more traumatic, and potentially longer.
2- Recharge. Sometimes an ebb occurs because you’re running on empty and need to recharge your batteries. Use this time for self-care and nurturing. Where have you been ignoring your health, and how can you support yourself better? Take the time to be and allow yourself the downtime and space to regenerate. Again- if you panic and try to do, you miss the point, and prolong the ebb. Once you’ve recharged, then:
3- Re-evaluate. Is what you’re doing working? Do you need to switch things up and make changes? Are you supporting yourself in all ways? Maybe you need to change some faulty beliefs, feelings or attitudes. Look at what is working to augment that, and what isn’t to change it.
4- Re-commit. Focus on the end goal. What is it you want? Are you showing up fully in service of that goal, or are you allowing yourself to be distracted? How do you want to feel when you have the goal? Feel that feeling now, don’t wait. Feelings are the markers for what’s going on internally. If you focus on your goal but feel scared or angry, that fear and anger is actually what’s creating the outcome, hindering it from matching what you’re wanting. Work on raising your emotional state and heal where you are stuck in the dark.
5- Trust. Again. In yourself, in the work you’ve done. It begins and ends with trust. Center yourself, and breathe. The Universe is cheering you on, wanting you to have the thing you want, so allow it, co-create it, and then receive it. You’ve got this.
Sometimes the things in our lives show up as we need, more than how we want. Meaning, we may prefer our answer to be as we think it “should be,” and yet for deeper soul growth, it shows up a different way.
Here’s an example- two clients have recently needed curses removed. Seemingly simple right? Remove the curse and be done with it. But ultimately, for each of them, the lessons were deeper than that and not so simple. Both were learning how to take their power back, and with that, they each had a core lesson; for one it was about self-love, for the other, forgiveness. So I could do what was asked, but it would not have been effective had they not addressed the bigger issue at hand. This is an extreme example, curses are not flying around that most people get them, so you can use this towards anything in your life.
Sometimes we look at the surface level “why is this happening,” and don’t delve into the deeper soul lesson. That’s why we’re here, soul growth. It isn’t about who wronged you, or having things be picture perfect, it isn’t about the car you drive or the money you make, it’s about what will advance you as a soul. Those lessons aren’t always easy, but they do serve a greater purpose.
The next time you bemoan why something keeps appearing, call your power back (remember nothing has power, except the power you give it!), forgive yourself for allowing it, accept what is, and then see what the deeper lesson is for you, be it self-love, understanding, patience, compassion, etc. The more you can own and embody the deeper lesson, the more elegantly everything will fall into place.
This past week I listened to an extraordinary discussion on what love actually is, and simultaneously, heard stories of control in your relationships.
At the root of control, is fear. If you are controlling another, you are afraid of losing them. But in doing so, you will create the very thing you are afraid of losing. Nobody likes to be controlled. Do you like to have your actions questioned? Do you like to tell people every little detail about what you’re doing and why you’re doing it? You don’t do you? So then don’t ever ask that of someone else. It feels awful when somebody tells you how things should be done, ignores your wishes, and does what they think is right, without listening to what you’re saying. That’s control. If you don’t want it being done to you, then don’t do it to others.
Your job is to create safety for yourself; you will not ever find that in another. And if you have a deep fear of loss, you need to work on that; it is not someone else’s responsibility to heal that for you.
On the flip side, is freedom; love allows freedom. This can be difficult, especially for parents and spouses. Love says, “I allow you freedom to do what you want, to be who you want to be, so that you might become more free, so that you might discover yourself. … I allow you the freedom to fly.”* That is a beautiful way to see and experience love with another.
The fear is that if you allow another their absolute freedom to explore and be, that they might not take you with them. But if you don’t allow them their freedom, you are holding them prisoner to your wishes, and love certainly can’t survive in that scenario. Not true love.
Giving freedom doesn’t mean the other (child, spouse, partner) is going to leave you, it means that you allow them to make their choices, and “mistakes” based on what they need to grow versus what you think they need. It is the ultimate surrender.
You are not responsible for anyone else, you cannot control how another chooses to learn their lessons, and you cannot protect against potential future pain. You are doing the other a disservice if you try to make things ok for them when they are “screwing up” (in your opinion) or if you try to reign in their desires. In those instances, in your heart you say, “I love you, and I know that what you are about to embark upon might hurt you, but I am willing to allow you the freedom to explore and grow.” That’s real love.
Can you be empowered and courageous enough to love so fully that you allow others to chart their own path and fly as needed? Yes, you can. That fear of loss can get in the way, but you can breathe through it and remind yourself that you are safe.
Here’s the thing, everything is always changing and growing, evolving and transitioning. To love deeply and fully in spite of that, is the greatest strength.
So the next time you feel scared and try to limit or control another, recognize that the freedom you deny another, is also the freedom that you deny yourself. Be daring enough to loosen your grip and let go. Trust that what is meant to be, will be. No amount of control will change that. Be brave and choose the highest truth of love, and allow freedom.
* Quote from Lazaris
Me, just sharing ways to make you the best you can be!