Through the years, many of you have asked me to talk about grief.
It can be hard to define but what I know for sure: grief comes in waves. You never know when one will come crashing in and all you can do is follow it to its completion and let it move through you, and out. You cannot try to stop up the damn of emotion, that will only cause harm down the line.
I told you last week that I’ve done so much work on my emotional state regarding the symbolism of my garden, and while the first day of re-potting was wonderful this past weekend, the next day with the tomato plants… let’s just say I was unprepared for the explosion of sadness that followed a bout of crabbiness. I completely left present time; I was not in my body. I knew I hit a pocket of grief and the best thing to do was to ground myself (even though I really didn’t want to be in my body), and allow myself to express the sadness.
I thought I had healed everything, so it really surprised me. That’s the thing about grief, even when you’ve done massive releasing and healing of it, there might be more. And that’s totally normal! I happened to hit something I hadn’t given voice to or acknowledged, thus its appearance.
A healer friend of mine suggested that I separate out energy, like I’ve taught you all to do (on the resources page), with the aspect of me that went through the trauma. To release that me and give her back her power and call my life force back to me. That made a tremendously positive impact.
Back to grief in general- everyone grieves differently; you cannot judge yourself or another for your/their process. Some people feel sad, some angry, some irritated, and some in denial. Sometimes all of these exist simultaneously or seem to flow from one to the next, moment, by moment. This is why surrender and gentleness is key. You don’t know what’s going to surface when, so self-compassion is the name of the game.
In the midst of my grief, be it from a miscarriage or the loss of a loved one, I’ve run into bathrooms in public places to vent out whatever was surfacing and give it whatever voice it needed in that moment- a quick cry, a temper tantrum, or a moment of reverent silence. If you're somewhere where that's impossible, acknowledge and release the emotion later that day but don't ignore it; it'll come back stronger if you do.
Grief isn’t limited to losing people by the way, you can grieve whatever loss you’re experiencing: a pet, a house, a business, a dream, a brief relationship, etc. If it’s a loss, it’s valid. It’s not the years involved, but the impact.
You cannot diminish your grief and loss and think it’s not as meaningful as someone who lost their spouse of 50+ years, or a parent or child. Yes, that grief is far more intense in scope and takes infinitely more time to heal, but no matter your grief, you have a right to express it.
Be aware that grief is exhausting. I mean- can’t get out of bed at times- exhausting. You have to surrender to that and not judge yourself for it. Fatigue is part of grief.
I was once asked how to heal grief more quickly. That’s the thing, you can’t rush the process, but acknowledging and releasing the emotions helps.
What if it seems never-ending? Then reach out to a grief counselor, or a support group, or someone who can guide you on your journey and help you to process the pain. Sometimes we can’t do it alone; don’t try or expect yourself to be a superhero.
I can see and talk to dead people. I’ve helped people pass away and see the beauty that awaits them. Even with these skills, death sucks for those of us in a body. It’s painful and you want to hold those you love and talk to them in person.
You can know they’re there listening and loving you, because they are, and you can mentally understand the concept that love never dies, because it doesn’t, and still, saying goodbye is excruciatingly difficult and horribly painful.
And it’s part of life.
Ironically, if you let it, it can actually open your heart- I know, it seems like it would do the opposite, but that’s because many do close down their hearts. However, there is the ability to recognize your capacity for love and open your heart despite your pain. Not easy, but possible.
Know as well, with a major loss, the anniversaries of that event may have triggers for a long time. That’s okay too and totally normal.
Year two can be hard in different ways, so gentleness again. No, ‘I thought I was done with this!”
As I said, I feel completely healed from that old pain and a deeper hidden part got triggered. I moved through it quickly, it didn’t take days as it would’ve in the past.
Again, grief is like the ocean, it will ebb and flow. Sometimes you’ll be on a surfboard riding the waves, and sometimes you’ll crash. The key is, when you’re ready, to get on that surfboard again because I promise you this, one day you’ll ride those waves all the way to the shore and know that you’re more of your true self from having loved so deeply.
The first few years of planting a vegetable garden after going through miscarriages and infertility, I was an emotional wreck if anything happened to my plants. I would meltdown in fury or grief if a plant died or got sick or didn’t grow correctly. If there were insects eating my plants, I would go into a violent rage. It was all because the garden couldn’t just be a garden; I made the garden a symbol for my ability/inability to create life.
I would go quite dark during the times my garden was having issues; I was not fun to be around. I wasn’t able to allow the garden to simply be, I tried to control it in order to heal my own pain.
Anyone who gardens knows that there’s only so much you can do. You hope for a great crop, but some things are out of your control, and you need to go with the flow.
Flow I could not do. I created an image in my mind of what it would mean about me as a person if I had a thriving, abundant garden. Anything less than that meant I was a personal failure.
I bring this up today because it came up a in few sessions this past week; taking a neutral item and giving it tremendous symbolism, so much so that it’s very existence, or lack thereof, defined a person’s value and worth.
Is that fair? No. Do we all do it sometimes? Yes.
So, how do you heal this?
First, recognition is key; you can’t heal what you’re unaware of.
Next, you need to untangle the negative associations between you and what it symbolizes. Release the meaning; allow the item to simply “be” without your added input. This is a hard step because you really need to separate out all implications and significance around the item and instead, look within to see what you need to heal. Sometimes it’s easier to point the blame/upset outward than acknowledge and release the torrent of emotions within. But they won’t go away until they’re released, which means facing them.
It’s up to you how you do that: you can work them out with a professional, you can journal them, or speak them out. Whatever your method, give them voice, even if it’s scary.
I spent so much time in rage bubbles (method here) during those years, but I refused to release the symbology. That’s the next step: disengage. The thing that happened needs healing, and the item is neutral. They aren’t combined. The plant your loved one gave you that you killed doesn’t mean you’re a terrible person who doesn’t deserve love. That city you love can be a joyous place to visit, versus it being a symbol of love lost. That house can be redesigned and updated, instead of a constant reminder of past pain.
You disengage by imagining the item before you becoming devoid of your energy and power; call it all back to you. Then fill it, and yourself, with pure golden light. Again, see it as separate from you, not part of, or attached to you.
It may take repeated times of allowing the item its energy and calling yours back to you. Don’t give up, do it as often as you need.
If it’s too intense, don’t participate in, or go to the place that holds the symbol. I probably shouldn’t have created a vegetable garden year after year, instead letting myself grieve and heal without added pressure. Alas, hindsight…
Release all those old symbols and own a new level of personal power by allowing things to simply be, without the emotional baggage. Give yourself the healing and freedom you desire and deserve.
I walked away from my commercial agent 2 weeks ago after 22 years together. I had been doing commercials for six years prior to that with an agent in a different city. Basically, this was definitely closing a big door and letting go of a previously big dream. And one I was very ready for.
This plan of action had been in my mind for well over three years now, but sometimes things take time. I move slowly; I usually don’t make big decisions quickly, although there have always been exceptions. But walking away from things- that takes me time.
I write this today to not only share that perspective, but to help those of you who beat yourself up, feeling that you’re not doing something quickly enough. Recognize that everything has its right timing, everything moves in its proper cadence. I was really ready to walk away earlier this year, or so I thought, but clearly I wasn’t because I didn’t. I don’t beat myself up, and neither should you when you seem to be stalling; maybe there’s more for you to learn. You’ll know when it’s time; you’ll fell it in your gut.
I had to ask myself: who’s dream was I trying to fulfill?
In the last 8+ years, I’ve been annoyed when I’ve gotten an audition versus being excited. I realized the dream of acting was from all inner parts of me: my inner child, inner adolescent, and inner young adult, but it wasn’t my adult dream. As my adult self, it was no longer fun for me.
Even though it was no longer my dream, I still had to do a ritual in meditation around letting it go. And I needed to speak to the parts of me invested in the old dream and let them vent their upset. They’re not in charge of my reality; adult me is.
For those of you familiar with the various aspects of self, go in as I’ve taught you and have conversations with the parts of self you’ve worked with. For those of you who haven't done inner child etc. work, it’s a lot to teach in blog form so if it’s of interest, reach out and we’ll work it together.
Regardless, here’s a ritual to help you release a dream you’re ready to let go of…
Close your eyes and imagine yourself in a beautiful place in nature that feels incredibly safe. Notice your surroundings and take in how peaceful it feels. As you look around, out in front of you you see an open door; the door might be ornate, or simple. On the other side of the door, you may see a void, or you may see pure energy as swirls of light. Stand in front of that door and release everything tied to the dream you’re ready to let go of; all the old expectations, feelings, hopes, and imaginings around that dream. Flow them out of you as colors, feelings, sounds, shapes, symbols, or simply energy. Release everything until you feel complete.
Then speak your releasing in the form of, “I release this dream, and everything connected to it. I am now free to move forward.”
Thank that dream for serving its purpose, because it was important at one point, and then close (or slam) the door. Imagine a magic eraser by your feet and erase the door so it no longer exists. This is a firm message to your subconscious that you are fully done.
Now imagine a waterfall of pure 24 Carat gold above your head and fill yourself to overflowing with golden sparkles of new dreams, hopes, and wishes; with what you know, and with the unlimited possibilities of what you don’t.
When you’re filled up, open your eyes and move forward with enthusiasm for all that’s coming.
Remember, as I kept hearing, "when one door closes, another opens." Trust that a new door will open in its perfect timing.
May this bring you beautiful release and closure, and open a phenomenal new door for you!
I’ve been focusing more on feeling that I am enough.
Enoughness is an interesting belief/feeling tied to either lack or abundance. On the lack side, you can feel that there’s always more to do/be and therefore, you never feel fulfilled or satisfied. It can also keep you hidden and not putting yourself out there in the world because you never feel ready. On the flip side when in the abundance aspect, you know that you can always stretch and grow to become more, yet in this moment, you are already enough.
Nothing external will ever help fill that void; it’s a state of mind. Enoughness is not given to you by anyone else, it’s something you have to work at and feel within.
There will always be stories you could tell yourself of why you’re not enough, and those stories may seem true, but are they really? I’m asking you to challenge those thoughts.
Only you can choose and decide to start opening to the idea/feeling/belief that you are enough. You are enough whether you are actively doing and achieving your goals, or whether you are spending time resting, relaxing, and giving to yourself.
You have nothing to prove; own this. You are enough simply because you exist. Can you hold that as true?
Being enough is a super attractor- it brings into your life more of what you desire when you vibrate at that frequency.
So this week, practice it, keep it in your consciousness, proclaim daily, “I am enough.”
If you can’t fully embrace it yet, that’s okay, fake it ‘til you make it. Create evidence to support this feeling/belief. After all, it’s your reality, why not make it spectacular!
Me, Tina Germain, just sharing ways to make you the best you can be!