My gardener ripped out an Oak tree I’d been nurturing for seven years. It was growing slowly but steadily. As soon as I saw the empty pot, disbelief turned to immediate rage. Rage at the callous way the pot was left, and rage at not telling me what he did. I was furious.
I didn’t try to diminish my emotions, nor tamp them down. I let myself feel all my various emotions, while watering my other plants.
I then vented my emotions in a safe and responsible way by making sure not to take them out on anyone else; they were mine to experience and process through.
Rage itself isn’t bad. It’s what you do with it and how you handle it that makes all the difference. And sometimes, there’s more to the rage when you dive down into it. Which in my case, was grief. I let myself feel that fully as well, and release what was needed.
Many people were taught to suppress emotions or only express the “nice” ones. But your feelings matter and giving them voice responsibly is the only way to release them.
Processing through your emotions takes time; it may not be a one and done. I got hit with another wave of anger as I proofread this blog. But the anger wasn't the white-hot rage it was yesterday when I first saw my plant. That’s because I took the time to acknowledge and fully feel my feelings in the moment.
It may not always be possible to dive into your feelings in the moment. Address them when you have the quiet time and space to release. Even if you have to go out to your car or into the bathroom to do so.
I've done a lot of emotional work so sometimes I’m able to process quickly. If you haven't, move gently with yourself as you open to expressing what you're feeling. And as I’ve stressed, most importantly, be responsible. Which again means not taking it out on others; especially those closest to you.
If the emotion doesn't dissipate after much time and processing, you need to ask yourself what's really going on below the surface or what you're gaining by keeping the emotion alive. That's a fine line that only you can answer because big wounds take time to heal and can’t be rushed (this is especially true of grief). You need to find your truth. Recognize the difference between when there’s more healing to done, and when you're inadvertently keeping the emotional pain alive and it's time to set down the anger etc. and move on.
Here are some techniques from prior blogs to help:
Anger Release Techniques
The Ladder of Emotions
A Map for Healing Intense Emotions
Coping With the Complexities of Grief
May these help you to work with your emotions, rather than being at the mercy of them. It's safe to feel and express the full range of your emotions.
I think sometimes in my blogs I come across as always being very calm and levelheaded. To bust open that curtain, that is not the truth at all. While I can be calm and levelheaded, I’m also quite fiery. I can have a short fuse sometimes in regard to anger. I try to be as responsible as I can with my anger, which means not throwing it harmfully at others.
I bring this up now because last week, not only was I furious at the injustice of politicians who try to skirt democracy, but also because fear has been, and continues to be, super high in the world, and especially in the United States. And what do most people do when they're afraid? They get angry.
Yes, I teach you how to create from an empowered place, and simultaneously, we’re human so emotions are going to be hot sometimes. You cannot deny them, you have to own them and work through them.
Since anger’s been coming up a lot lately in sessions, and many of you have asked, here are the tools I use to work through/release it:
First, anger itself isn’t bad. You have to get over that notion. It’s how you express it that can be healthy, or incinerating and detrimental.
Maybe you grew up in a household where one parent, or both, were always angry and fighting. Maybe because of that, you either decided to never be angry (which can lead to depression or passive aggressive behavior), or you go full force with yours. If you’re a woman, you may have been taught that it wasn’t ladylike to be angry or that good girls aren’t angry. Any of these scenarios make anger bad and wrong and can lead to health issues if suppressed, or relationship issues if overly expressed in harmful ways.
Before I give techniques, be wise. If your anger is out of control and harmful to yourself or others, get professional help. I’m speaking in this blog to those who want to learn how to responsibly release anger, not those who fear they could do something violent.
That being said, here are some techniques. You may like different ones at different times; find what works best for you. And this is by far not a complete list. I don’t purport to be an expert, just someone who has worked through tons of her own anger and rage.
1: Go into a Rage Bubble.
Personally, this is my favorite technique and one that works brilliantly for me. When I’m angry, I go into rage bubble. Through that technique, I can say and release what I need, in a safe way for all.
I have that technique on my resource page, but here it is as well.
2: Writing It Out:
Writing is another favorite. Whether venting in a journal or writing a hate letter.
~ If you journal it, you can burn the papers after if it’ll give you satisfaction, but it’s not necessary. Sometimes I’ve waited until my journal is full to shred or destroy the energy contained within.
You need to be real and honest with yourself when writing. If you find yourself editing what you want to say, stop. Show yourself the truth. No one else will ever see what you’ve written. This technique is not for re-reading or showing yourself in a good light; it is fully for release.
~ As for the hate letter, this is based on a Lazaris technique:
Write out on a piece of paper all of your hatred and rage towards someone. Handwriting versus typed is important. When you’re done, put the page/pages away for 24 hours. The next day, re-read what you’ve written and add more venom if you need. Get all the ugly, stuck emotions out. If you’re satisfied, skip ahead. If you’ve added more, then wait 24 hours again to re-read. Keep this re-read/add/wait cycle going until you’ve said all there is to say, then burn the pages and release the rage and anger. The key is to write until you’ve fully expelled it all. Every crack and crevice of pain coming up in this moment. It doesn’t mean you won’t need to do another round in the future, it means that for now, you’re complete and ready/willing to let it go.
3: Physical Release:
~ Take a pillow and beat the snot out of your bed/couch while verbally expressing what has you so angry. Release everything pent up in your body. You can go for a run/do strenuous exercise as well, but make sure you also give the anger a voice. The speaking of it is a critical component.
~ Throw a private temper tantrum. Yes, you read that right. We’ve been seeing a lot of public temper tantrums lately, but that’s just a person’s negative ego being in control. To release in a healthy way, means you listen to your, most likely, inner child. Let them say why they’re so mad/triggered. Let them vent by you literally going somewhere private and stomping your feet and silent screaming. Let your inner child have full freedom to vent for a few minutes. Then pull yourself together, come back to being an adult, and handle what’s in front of you from a place of calm empowerment.
I am really good at disappearing into a bathroom if my inner child gets triggered. I do what I told you above, and when I come back to the situation at hand, I speak clearly and with adult wisdom. At some point soon I’ll teach you more in regard to the inner child, but for now, that part of you exists. Give her/him a voice so they don’t control your actions/behavior. (You can journal with them or bring them into a meditation or rage bubble as well to work through childhood issues.)
4: Body Release:
Sometimes that anger is trapped in the body and needs a more physical approach to release it. You can use EFT (or tapping), you can try EMDR, sound healing- anything that you’ll use consistently to work through the places where the rage/anger is stored in your body.
It's smart to hire a practioner who specializes in one of the fields above, especially when the anger is intense. You don’t want to just manage your anger; you want to release the patterns and blocked energy so that you can consciously choose in any moment how to handle the emotions that arise. You want to stay present to your feelings, not become reactive or fall into behaviors from childhood/adolescence.
The key with all of these is to do them consciously without splatting your rage on everyone else.
If you feel yourself getting worked up, stop and leave the room/conversation. If you can’t leave, breathe and focus on your feet. Anger can shoot you out of body, you have to come back in, in present time.
Do not respond by lashing out. Don’t send off that text/email. Write a rough draft of what you really want to say, and then walk away without sending it. Sit with it. BE an adult. Not a reactive, petulant child.
Ask yourself if what you want to say is empowering and needs to be said, or if it’s just the judging, vindictive, cruel part that wishes others harm. Beware the righteous anger that says you have a right to explode your rage at others. That’s pure negative ego and a complete lack of personal responsibility.
Just because you’ve been hurt, doesn’t give you the right to hurt others.
Know the difference between anger that motivates you to better yourself/the world, and anger that is you emotionally throwing up on another.
Also, you have to be willing to look at the root cause of your anger. Maybe it’s feeling a lack of control, or a need to control, or maybe it’s feeling unsafe. You have to be willing to excavate those places and your childhood wounds to really be able to handle it responsibly.
Back to my fury I mentioned in the beginning; I didn’t need to do a huge process around it because I’ve worked with my anger enough that I can move through it quickly. What I did was to take my power back; to disconnect from the fear and rage that gets amped up by the media. I put all of my attention and power into what I do want to see. Into the world I am creating and imagining. I transmuted that anger into positive action, versus sitting in a sense of powerlessness or darkness.
The more you work through your anger, the freer you'll be. The world needs more cooperative calm and less emotional reactivity. In any moment, the choice is yours. Be responsible with your rage to help heal the world.
You all know that I talk openly about dealing with anger and rage. I certainly don’t shy away from those emotions- lol! You also know that I like to give you tools for dealing/healing when you hit up against these, or other darker emotions. So here’s my story:
Last week, I got hit with intense rage, and I really didn’t know the cause. All I knew was that it was so heavy and uncomfortable that it was giving me a headache I felt it so strongly.
First and foremost, I acknowledged it and didn’t shove it down. I made time to deal with it. This is key for those of you who avoid or numb through food, alcohol, social media, etc. You have to make time to hear it out and deal with it. Shoving it down only causes it to come out in more harmful ways.
So, I made the time. I silent screamed because it was so overwhelming. And by that, I mean screaming but with no sound- didn’t want to scare the neighbors. Then I went into a rage bubble (see technique on resource page) and ranted and got it out as much as was possible. Usually that does the trick but this time it still wasn’t budging and I really didn’t know what it was related to.
So I began to use EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), also known as tapping. I tapped on all the areas, not following any “rules” or specific things to say, simply saying, “all this rage” over and over while touching each point. I also added in words about questioning what it was about. I stayed in the moment and spoke whatever came to me. At some point, I started to realize where it was coming from and what triggered me. It was an old memory that somehow surfaced. So I continued tapping, talking about the memory, and releasing the buried angers.
While I was doing this, I felt the loneliness, abandonment and pain that was below the rage so I began talking about those while tapping on each point. I did this until I felt it felt right to stop.
Then I felt like writing. So I wrote it all, angrily, all my pain and hurt etc. It felt cathartic. And I blamed- fully. When done, I took the papers outside and burned them. I wanted that released.
When I came inside, I did a Lazaris technique that I remembered from years ago, called “The Art of Forgetting.” I will give you an abbreviated version, but please reach out if you want me to explain it more fully:
I visualized an image of that memory. I could see myself in the memory as if looking at a picture. Then I began siphoning all the color and energy out of it. Lazaris says to pull out the “life and the light” from the image. Eventually I saw the picture becoming black and white as I pulled back my power, and my energy, until it was flat and devoid of life. Once it was drained, I took the raw energy out and gave it to my Higher Self (again, email me if you have questions. These last steps are more detailed than I am describing). Beyond my seeing, I allowed my Higher Self to transmute and transform it. Once it was healed, they returned that raw energy back to me so that I could send it into somewhere I know, or into something beyond what I could imagine. I chose the latter.
The intensity of rage and pain etc. became an intensity of love and light.
After that all completed, it felt right to tap again and so I did so, this time asking to “receive the healing.” I asked for that over and over; to receive the forgiveness and healing that would set me free. I also stated that “I allow and receive” the healing, while tapping each point. I pictured myself being filled with beautiful golden light streaming into my space, and into everywhere my bodies- emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical- had been affected.
At the end, I was in incredible peace and no longer carrying any conscious or subconscious rage. I set the person free from that memory as well.
So why do I detail this? As I said, to empower you. To teach you that sometimes it takes trying many different things to find what you most need to heal. To remind you that even if you don’t know why you’re upset, your subconscious does so sometimes you need to go through the process to discover the reason. To see that when you get triggered, it doesn’t have to control you or knock you out of your body.
The more you take your power back and clear the dark, the more space there is for joy, laughter, fun, and love.
So the next time some emotion slams you, talk to it. See what you need. Give it time and attention so you can go through it to gather its lessons. Not only will you give yourself greater freedom, you will be healing the world by clearing out more of the dark. It starts with you.
Me, Tina Germain, just sharing ways to make you the best you can be!