“Grief comes in waves.”
I tell all of you that who are grieving the loss of a person. But it’s also important to recognize that it appears at the loss of a dream as well.
Many of you read my infertility blog from a year ago. I had truly moved on and made peace mentally with the situation. I did tremendous amounts of healing and it absolutely shifted things. Unbeknownst to me however, the physical and emotional traumas were still active and festering in my subconscious and unconscious minds.
I got on a cleaning binge three weeks ago, I love to rip apart areas of the house and re-organize them. I’m definitely not someone who has trouble throwing things away! During my cleaning binge, I went through old tax etc. files from years ago, and started finding reminders of the infertility time. Then I found a whole stack of journals written during that time, and I reread many of the entries. The pain smacked me over the head, it was heart wrenching reading years worth of pain, trauma, rage, betrayal, and grief. I’m sure it didn’t help that I also found all the eulogies I had written for my 3 grandparents during that time.
The next day was Mother’s Day, ironic huh, and I really didn’t have the energy to do anything. I recognized it as grief, and allowed myself the day to just disconnect and heal. I thought that was that, and I moved forward.
Alas, grief doesn’t work that way.
I know that, and I remind all of you of that. And yet, I didn’t delve into it and express what needed expressing.
Things seemed to be getting worse and worse fatigue wise and with an autoimmune issue that I have. It took a friend on Saturday to point out to me that I was still grieving, and specifically, grieving the loss of a dream.
“How could this be?” I thought. “I’ve done so much grief work, I finally made peace!” Yes I have, and reading all that pain cracked open a part of me that I didn’t realize I had tucked away and not acknowledged or released. That part has been suffering in the background for years. In some ways, it was overt with certain physical issues, but in other ways, it was definitely below the surface. I don’t think it was an accident that I found all those journals, the energy needed to be released fully so that I could truly move forward, to create a new dream.
So many things make sense to me now, after seeing this truth. As I’ve said to many of you, grief can be a myriad of emotions simultaneously so there could be rage, mixed with sadness, mixed with apathy, sometimes concurrent.
I’ve found that with this issue, betrayal is my starting point: the betrayal I felt from God/Goddess/The Universe. It doesn’t matter that on a greater spiritual level, I can know they are not to blame and I can look at why I created and allowed this situation. But that won’t serve me when I’m in emotional pain, because I am human and as such, I need to vent, to rage, to blame, and then to release. It’s important to really dive into the pain of betrayal, the, “How could you do this to me? Why would you allow this to happen? You gave me so many signs and symbols that it was coming and happening.” The raw pain of it.
When we hold ourselves in opposition to the Divine, we will not allow ourselves to receive the love, support, and healing, etc. etc. that we really need. So it is vital to look and see if there’s any part of you that feels unloved or betrayed by God/Goddess; rationally or irrationally.
There are a myriad of ways to move through this: you could journal it, you could speak it, and my personal favorite is the rage bubble- interesting that I thought to send it to all of you recently. These are just some ideas, find what works for you. You must give it voice though, however you do it. Shoving it down only allows it to fester and grow.
After the betrayal, it’s vital to work the pain. If you ever would want some details on this, reach out to me personally. I’ve recently learned new techniques that are designed to excavate and release stuck pain. Ultimately, forgiveness work will be the key to shift your reality. The other work does need to be done first though.
I’m detailing my process for you, to give you one map of how to move through loss. There are many maps, find the one that works for you.
Most importantly, gentleness with self is a requirement. It’s not a luxury, it’s not being lazy, it is required to augment the self-love that’s needed for when you move through the dark. So when you hit a pocket of grief, and you feel the need to just zone out or disconnect from others and be quiet, allow that. Without judgment! Sometimes we need to go full force in our healing efforts, and other times, we need to step back, step away, and allow support and help from the unseen world. Sometimes just being with what is, without having to do anything to “fix” it, allows the healing to move through more elegantly.
I am in the being stage, not fighting what is, not rushing through the process I detailed above, because I had previously worked it so thoroughly, and this pocket is different. This one requires acceptance and allowance to more powerfully step into a new dream, a dream that exceeds my imagination. I cannot get there if I am constantly doing, but I can if I create extra down time to just be, and to process through everything while I am sleeping and creating.
I must say, in writing this a few days ago and allowing myself to just be, I feel fantastic this morning, the day of what would have been my due date. I hope that next year, I’m not even aware of this date. But if I am, I will again be gentle and compassionate towards myself. I wish I had known more and approached things differently for those few years, but I could only do what I knew at the time, so I will forgive myself for all the pain, all the subsequent suffering, and love myself for what I went through. That me needs healing, and I will happily give it to her.
As long as you believe that something outside of you is causing your issues, it will continue to have power over you.
Nothing is outside of you, nothing. They are not doing anything to you. They are not the root of your problems. Your beliefs are. Your attitudes are. Your thoughts are. Your negative feelings are.
I have spoken about this before, it’s not new. And yet, sometimes, we all look outside ourselves for answers, or we blame circumstances outside. It’s all inside: the truths, the faulty beliefs, the recurring issues, and the pain. The pain that you may project as outward and caused by them; “If only they would change, then I could ...”
This is never true. It is never up to them, it is never outside of you. And once you realize this and take responsibility for everything inside of you and in your reality, then you can change, then you can heal. Until then, you are powerless to the lie that it is outside of your abilities to do anything about it.
You have the power, do not give that away. Look deep inside, see what stories you tell. Question why you believe certain things as true. Do you really believe that or did you get that belief from someone else? And if you really believe it, why? Are you willing to see things differently? Could you be wrong in your perception? “It always happens this way,” you may say to me. Might it always happen that way because you believe it so strongly? I say yes, consider this. You can argue with me but would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?
Once you see your stories and faulty beliefs, you can change them and write new ones. “Easier said than done,” you may say. Ok, well are you going to focus on how hard it is or shift to allowing a new reality? You’re right, it isn’t always easy, but it is do-able. It does take focus though, and willingness. It may not happen overnight. And here’s the thing, I’m not saying just be positive. That doesn’t work. There are too many factors involved in any creation and a myriad of ways to work things. You have to own your full humanity. Within that, change is absolutely possible, when you recognize the answers and power are within.
Let’s talk about FOMO - fear of missing out. FOMO, at it’s core, is your negative ego. What greater way to get you invested in fear and bypassing what you actually need/want, then to feed you the lie that everyone else is… fill in the blank. They are all doing it and you are going to be left out. AHHHHH!!! Talk about preying on people’s deepest insecurities!
The idea that you are missing out or worse, being excluded, creates anxiety. In that state of anxiety, you may find yourself agreeing to things from fear versus empowerment. It also feeds into the faulty belief that something is wrong with you. “What’s wrong with me that I wasn’t invited to/included in/ present for …? Everyone else was there and had a great time. I missed the best event.” And then you feel badly about yourself and dive bomb into self-pity, depression, or blame. All of which is fodder for your negative ego to torture you. And is it true? NO! Only if you tell yourself it is. You can either believe it was the best ever and you missed it because you are a loser, or you can realize that while others may have had fun, great, that’s for them. You create exactly what you need for you.
I have seen FOMO be used at the age when everybody is getting married and having babies. “Too bad you’re not, you’re missing out. What’s wrong with you that you can’t find the right guy/girl?” Nice huh? This bypasses all truths of Divine timing and trusting your instincts, as well as creating relationships from love, not a fear of being alone or left out. Because let me tell you, relationships that are based on ulterior motives do not have staying power, nor do they bring happiness.
It’s not always an obvious hook either, sometimes it’s subtle. I do not generally have issues with FOMO, but I have recognized a big hook my negative ego uses which is fear of missing out around information and learning. “I need that class, I need this one too, and oh, this one has great information!” Yes- they do. AND they prevent me from being in present time and using all that information if I am constantly acquiring more. And what is the result? Again, anxiety.
Start to notice how your negative uses FOMO against you. The more conscious you become, the greater your ability to take your power back and make an informed choice, not a fear one. With some things that trigger that FOMO, stop and ask yourself if what you’re wanting is really right for you right now, or if your choice is driven by fear.
You may need to talk to the parts of you that are still in pain from being left out on the playground at school or in sports etc. Tell those parts, “I’m so sorry you are in pain. I’m sorry we went through what we did. I’m an adult now and I may not always be where everyone else seemingly is and that’s ok. That’s safe. We’re not alone, we won’t be ostracized, it’s safe for me to put my attention on the now and what I most need in this moment. There are so many amazing things about me, I will no longer allow the lie of missing out to control me.” Say it as often as needed, and in any wording you prefer, while bringing yourself into present time.
And then trust, because under that fear is a lack of trust. You are exactly where you need to be in this moment. Everything is working out in your highest and best good. You cannot be everywhere at once. There is nothing lacking or missing in present time. Take your attention off of others, stop comparing yourself to them, and place your attention back on you. That’s where your power is. Own that.
I see myself as being extremely diplomatic. I’ve been this way since I was a kid, preferring peaceful tactics over ego-based reactions. Even so, sometimes I have to walk away from a situation or not respond to a text or email because what I want to say is pretty harsh. I have learned never to hit send on something that I haven’t sat with overnight, or for at least a few hours, especially if I’m triggered. Because when you react immediately from a place of defense or anger, you are allowing your wounds to lead, versus coming from an empowered place.
There is enough harshness and cruelty in the way people communicate, I see no reason to add to that. What do you gain by lashing out at someone? You can always choose kindness and respond rationally and calmly. This doesn’t mean that you let people walk all over you, you have strong boundaries, and you recognize when someone is triggering you, and step back before responding.
The same goes for if you are super busy and you quickly respond to a text just to get something out. Have you thought it through? Are you being mindful in your response? If you are too busy to put thought into it, then wait until later.
The next time someone emails or texts you something that makes you reactive and want to lash out, STOP! Step away from your device. Breathe. Then write what you really want to say to vent it out. Do this in the notes app or on a piece of paper. Say every mean and awful thing you want until you are spent. Then walk away and sit with it. You may need to do this more than once. When you feel calm and rational, re-read the text/email and respond from an empowered and enlightened viewpoint, versus an emotional meltdown. It might still be strongly worded, but it will be reflective of an adult response instead of a childlike meltdown, thereby helping you stay in your power.
You always have a choice as to how you respond to bad behavior. Don’t sink to their level, rise above.
We are in the information age which means information is readily available, but that also means we are constantly inundated with new information and things to learn. More. More. More. More. More. More.
It can be overwhelming and make us feel like we’re not enough.
We’re not learning fast enough or growing fast enough, this isn’t enough, that isn’t enough.
Connect in with your soul.
Find your truth.
Block out the noise.
There will always be the latest and greatest, but it won’t bring you lasting peace unless you can connect in with yourself and move forward authentically from your truth. Know what you most need in the moment. There is nothing external that can tell you that. Get quiet and connect in with yourself. There is tremendous power in stillness and quiet. Then you’ll know what is worth your time and energy, and what is more noise in your space.
Learn to go inward for your answers, and do what feels right for you.
Me, just sharing ways to make you the best you can be!