Codependence in Relationships

There’s been a theme lately of many of you staying in relationships past their expiration date. And there’s been a lot of judgment and self-recrimination for that. But ultimately, what needs to happen is compassion and forgiveness. Because even if we know a relationship is not working, it’s not always easy to extricate from it immediately. Sometimes we need to work through layers. And that takes time. 
 
This applies to everything in your life. Sometimes we know early on that something isn’t right, yet we keep trying to make it happen or force it to fit.
 
With relationships, ultimately you can’t force another to be who you want them to be; you have to take them at face value and honor who the person is and what their path is. It may be different than what you want for them, but it’s not up to you. That’s a hard lesson as some of you have been expressing. 
 
I know a few of you are really struggling with the potential of your partners, and I can say with absolute certainty, that you can never live for somebody’s potential. I made that mistake and stayed in a relationship for a decade and all it did was create rage over time. 
 
Some people never manifest their potential, as hard as that is to accept and acknowledge. Just because you see it, doesn’t mean they can live it. Plus, it becomes a bit arrogant to think that you know better what they need than they do. That can turn into control. As we’ve talked about recently, you cannot control another. Well you can, but that’s not love. 
 
Along with this, there have been many discussions in which a lot of you are being overly responsible for your partners or children. They have to create their path; you are not responsible for them or what they do. They have to be able to process their own pain, their own mistakes, and their own experiences. You are doing them a disservice if you try to fix it or make it better for them. All that will do is delay their growth as a soul. 
 
I know you want the best for those you love, but it becomes codependence if you try to do it for them or if you are reliant on their changing and growing. You cannot help others at the expense of yourself. You do you to the best of your abilities, and trust that they are doing them the way they need to. 
 
You may be in completely different classrooms this lifetime so you cannot expect that they will be learning the same lessons at the same pace or way that you do. As I say in sessions, to further that analogy, maybe your soul came in to learn advanced algebra and their soul came in to learn beginning geography. You cannot get mad at them that they do not understand the equations you’re showing them, because you are literally speaking a different language than what they are here to learn. You either need to accept them for who they are and where they are, or let them go. Do not try to make them into something they are not. That’s not fair to them. 
 
Here are the signs of codependency*, if you see yourself in them, then it’s time to do your personal work to overcome this and reclaim yourself:

• Having a hard time saying no;
• Having poor boundaries;
• Showing emotional reactivity;
• Feeling compelled to take care of people;
• Having a need for control, especially over others;
• Having trouble communicating honestly;
• Fixating on mistakes;
• Feeling a need to be liked by everyone;
• Feeling a need to always be in a relationship;
• Denying one’s own needs, thoughts, and feelings;
• Having intimacy issues;
• Confusing love and pity;
• Displaying fear of abandonment.

 
 
 
I overcame this and I know you can too. The key is to be honest with yourself and be willing to do the necessary work. None of us came in to do it alone, and relationships offer our greatest lessons. Be as conscious as you can, forgive yourself when you falter, and move forward empowered. You can do this. 
 
 
 
 
 
*Lancer, 2016; Mental Health America
 

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