Grief Comes in Waves

“Grief comes in waves.” 
I tell all of you that who are grieving the loss of a person. But it’s also important to recognize that it appears at the loss of a dream as well.
 
Many of you read my infertility blog from a year ago. I had truly moved on and made peace mentally with the situation. I did tremendous amounts of healing and it absolutely shifted things. Unbeknownst to me however, the physical and emotional traumas were still active and festering in my subconscious and unconscious minds. 
 
I got on a cleaning binge three weeks ago, I love to rip apart areas of the house and re-organize them. I’m definitely not someone who has trouble throwing things away! During my cleaning binge, I went through old tax etc. files from years ago, and started finding reminders of the infertility time. Then I found a whole stack of journals written during that time, and I reread many of the entries. The pain smacked me over the head, it was heart wrenching reading years worth of pain, trauma, rage, betrayal, and grief. I’m sure it didn’t help that I also found all the eulogies I had written for my 3 grandparents during that time.
 
The next day was Mother’s Day, ironic huh, and I really didn’t have the energy to do anything. I recognized it as grief, and allowed myself the day to just disconnect and heal. I thought that was that, and I moved forward.
 
Alas, grief doesn’t work that way. 
 
I know that, and I remind all of you of that. And yet, I didn’t delve into it and express what needed expressing. 
 
Things seemed to be getting worse and worse fatigue wise and with an autoimmune issue that I have. It took a friend on Saturday to point out to me that I was still grieving, and specifically, grieving the loss of a dream. 
 
“How could this be?” I thought. “I’ve done so much grief work, I finally made peace!” Yes I have, and reading all that pain cracked open a part of me that I didn’t realize I had tucked away and not acknowledged or released. That part has been suffering in the background for years. In some ways, it was overt with certain physical issues, but in other ways, it was definitely below the surface. I don’t think it was an accident that I found all those journals, the energy needed to be released fully so that I could truly move forward, to create a new dream.
 
So many things make sense to me now, after seeing this truth. As I’ve said to many of you, grief can be a myriad of emotions simultaneously so there could be rage, mixed with sadness, mixed with apathy, sometimes concurrent.
 
I’ve found that with this issue, betrayal is my starting point: the betrayal I felt from God/Goddess/The Universe. It doesn’t matter that on a greater spiritual level, I can know they are not to blame and I can look at why I created and allowed this situation. But that won’t serve me when I’m in emotional pain, because I am human and as such, I need to vent, to rage, to blame, and then to release. It’s important to really dive into the pain of betrayal, the, “How could you do this to me? Why would you allow this to happen? You gave me so many signs and symbols that it was coming and happening.” The raw pain of it. 
 
When we hold ourselves in opposition to the Divine, we will not allow ourselves to receive the love, support, and healing, etc. etc. that we really need. So it is vital to look and see if there’s any part of you that feels unloved or betrayed by God/Goddess; rationally or irrationally.
 
There are a myriad of ways to move through this: you could journal it, you could speak it, and my personal favorite is the rage bubble- interesting that I thought to send it to all of you recently. These are just some ideas, find what works for you. You must give it voice though, however you do it. Shoving it down only allows it to fester and grow.
 
After the betrayal, it’s vital to work the pain. If you ever would want some details on this, reach out to me personally. I’ve recently learned new techniques that are designed to excavate and release stuck pain. Ultimately, forgiveness work will be the key to shift your reality. The other work does need to be done first though. 
 
I’m detailing my process for you, to give you one map of how to move through loss. There are many maps, find the one that works for you. 
 
Most importantly, gentleness with self is a requirement. It’s not a luxury, it’s not being lazy, it is required to augment the self-love that’s needed for when you move through the dark. So when you hit a pocket of grief, and you feel the need to just zone out or disconnect from others and be quiet, allow that. Without judgment! Sometimes we need to go full force in our healing efforts, and other times, we need to step back, step away, and allow support and help from the unseen world. Sometimes just being with what is, without having to do anything to “fix” it, allows the healing to move through more elegantly. 
 
I am in the being stage, not fighting what is, not rushing through the process I detailed above, because I had previously worked it so thoroughly, and this pocket is different. This one requires acceptance and allowance to more powerfully step into a new dream, a dream that exceeds my imagination. I cannot get there if I am constantly doing, but I can if I create extra down time to just be, and to process through everything while I am sleeping and creating. 
 
I must say, in writing this a few days ago and allowing myself to just be, I feel fantastic this morning, the day of what would have been my due date. I hope that next year, I’m not even aware of this date. But if I am, I will again be gentle and compassionate towards myself. I wish I had known more and approached things differently for those few years, but I could only do what I knew at the time, so I will forgive myself for all the pain, all the subsequent suffering, and love myself for what I went through. That me needs healing, and I will happily give it to her.