Healing Distorted Symbolism

The first few years of planting a vegetable garden after going through miscarriages and infertility, I was an emotional wreck if anything happened to my plants. I would meltdown in fury or grief if a plant died or got sick or didn’t grow correctly. If there were insects eating my plants, I would go into a violent rage. It was all because the garden couldn’t just be a garden; I made the garden a symbol for my ability/inability to create life. 
 
I would go quite dark during the times my garden was having issues; I was not fun to be around. I wasn’t able to allow the garden to simply be, I tried to control it in order to heal my own pain.
 
Anyone who gardens knows that there’s only so much you can do. You hope for a great crop, but some things are out of your control, and you need to go with the flow. 
 
Flow I could not do. I created an image in my mind of what it would mean about me as a person if I had a thriving, abundant garden. Anything less than that meant I was a personal failure.
 
I bring this up today because it came up a in few sessions this past week; taking a neutral item and giving it tremendous symbolism, so much so that it’s very existence, or lack thereof, defined a person’s value and worth.
 
Is that fair? No. Do we all do it sometimes? Yes.
 
So, how do you heal this? 
 
First, recognition is key; you can’t heal what you’re unaware of. 
 
Next, you need to untangle the negative associations between you and what it symbolizes. Release the meaning; allow the item to simply “be” without your added input. This is a hard step because you really need to separate out all implications and significance around the item and instead, look within to see what you need to heal. Sometimes it’s easier to point the blame/upset outward than acknowledge and release the torrent of emotions within. But they won’t go away until they’re released, which means facing them. 
 
It’s up to you how you do that: you can work them out with a professional, you can journal them, or speak them out. Whatever your method, give them voice, even if it’s scary. 
 
I spent so much time in rage bubbles (method here) during those years, but I refused to release the symbology. That’s the next step: disengage. The thing that happened needs healing, and the item is neutral. They aren’t combined. The plant your loved one gave you that you killed doesn’t mean you’re a terrible person who doesn’t deserve love. That city you love can be a joyous place to visit, versus it being a symbol of love lost. That house can be redesigned and updated, instead of a constant reminder of past pain.
 
You disengage by imagining the item before you becoming devoid of your energy and power; call it all back to you. Then fill it, and yourself, with pure golden light. Again, see it as separate from you, not part of, or attached to you.
 
It may take repeated times of allowing the item its energy and calling yours back to you. Don’t give up, do it as often as you need.
 
If it’s too intense, don’t participate in, or go to the place that holds the symbol. I probably shouldn’t have created a vegetable garden year after year, instead letting myself grieve and heal without added pressure. Alas, hindsight…
 
Release all those old symbols and own a new level of personal power by allowing things to simply be, without the emotional baggage. Give yourself the healing and freedom you desire and deserve.

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